i acknowlege that this post is late, but i fell asleep last night after watching a movie and talking to boyfriend on the phone. so, better late than never, i guess.
an open letter to Mark Wahlberg:
Dear Marky-Mark,
You, sir, are a first-class badass. I have known this for quite some time, but I felt you deserved to have it reiterated to you in written form. I have followed your illustrious career for some time, since your early days as a white Southie rapper. You had your own gang, and even though they were called a "Funky Bunch," I knew their true nature. Back then you wore Calvins under your baggy jeans, a bandana on your head, and were followed around by bootylicious black girls clinging to chain-link fences and oddly dressed, yet toned, black men.
What a transformation you have made! Now as an Oscar-nominated actor, you are followed around by millions of screaming fans, the paparazzi, and directors like Martin Scorsese. But, beneath all of your leading man swagger, I still see the poor Irish kid from Boston. He's done jail time, and I think he's fantastic. He's got a Southie style you can't deny, my friend.
I, for one, would like to thank you for honoring him in the vast majority of your big-picture roles. You are the consummate bad good-guy. The one who shows up guns blazing to fight for what's right in the dirtiest way possible. You tear down egos and give "point-blank range" a whole new meaning. I mean, how can anyone call you a bad guy when you are always doing what is ultimately right? Sure you spill a lot of blood in the process, and you generally act like a guilty criminal. Oh, and you have a filthy mouth. But, plain badassery should not be confused with law-breaking. You do show a great disdain for rules and authority. But, really, what average teenager doesn't do that? No, sir. What you've got is different. You are on a whole other plane of disregard.
I would like to commend you on being so open and cool about your third nipple. That's just another example of how sure of your own badassness you are. An extra nipple can't hold you down! It can only add to your mystique. Besides, when your shirt is off, I can guarantee people are not looking at anything but your rippling musculature. And the fact that you are willing to cry in films is also very endearing, and a quality of a true man. You are one of the most masculine cryers I have ever seen. Real pain, real tears, real tough guy.
I don't want to take up too much of your time, so I will bring this letter to a close. I hope that I have done my part to reassure you of your readily apparent badass nature. You are a man's man. You are a ladies' man. We love to watch you kick ass and not care about taking names. We appreciate the transition you made from scrappy Boston boyhood, to real life street crime, to rap super-stardom, your brief but memorable modeling career, and finally to the classy and suited leading man we know today. And most of all, Mark, we totally dig your status as the ultimate BAMF.
Sincerely and in awe,
Claire "Good Vibrations" Tomczak
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